How the Orcs Stole Christmas
by Jaxzan Proditor
Summary: Just like the original Christmas classic, just with a LOTR twist. Written for the OC&K 2013 Christmas Challenge.


**A/N: Written for the OC&K 2013 Christmas challenge. A version of "How the Grinch Stole Christmas", but with Orcs and Elves. With apologies to Dr. Seuss and J.R.R. Tolkien. Merry Christmas!**

**NOTE: These rhymes are not mine, they Dr. Seuss's. Only some rhymes were changed to fit the fantasy words I gave the story. Praise Dr. Seuss, not me. **

* * *

How the Orcs stole Christmas

Every Elf

Down in Rivendell

Liked Erumas a lot...

.

But the Orcs

Who lived just east of Rivendell

Did NOT!

.

The Orcs hated Erumas! The whole Erumas season!

Now please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.

It could be their armor wasn't plated just right.

It could be, perhaps, that their helmets were too tight.

But I think the most likely reason of all

May have been that their brains were two sizes too small.

.

But,

Whatever the reason

His brain or helmet,

The Orc chief stood there on Erumas Eve hating the Elves,

Staring down with a sour, orcish visage

At the warm lighted windows below in the village.

For he knew every Elf down in Rivendell beneath.

Was busy now, hanging an athelas wreath.

.

And they're hanging their quivers!" he snarled with a sneer.

Tomorrow is Erumas! It's practically here!"

Then the Orc chief growled, with his left eye annoyedly twitching,

"I MUST find some way to stop Erumas from approaching."

.

For,

Tomorrow would start all the hullabaloo...

.

All the Elf girls and boys (Elflings?, who knew?)

Would wake bright and earlier. They'd rush for their toys!

And then! There would be no noise! Where was the Noise! Noise! Noise!

That's one thing he loved! Making NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!

.

Then the Elves, young and old, would sit down to a feast.

And they'd feast and they'd feast!

And they'd FEAST! FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!

They would feast on anachronistic Elf-tomatoes and rare Elf-beast

Which was something the Orcs couldn't stand in the least!

.

And THEN

They'd do something

He liked least of all!

Every Elf down in Rivendell, the tall and the small,

Would stand close together, with Erumas bells bringing.

They'd stand hand-in-hand. And the Elves would start singing!

.

They'd sing! And they'd sing!

AND they'd SING! SING! SING! SING!

And the more the Orc thought of the Elves singing

The more the orc thought, "I MUST stop this from begining!

"Why, for 6,000+ years we've put up with it now!

"I WILL stop this Erumas from coming!

...But HOW?"

.

Then he got an idea!

An awful idea!

THE ORC

GOT A WONDERFUL AWFUL IDEA!

.

"I know just what to do!" The Orc laughed in his throat.

And he made a quick Santy Turgon hat and coat.

And he chuckled, and growled, "What a great Orcish con!

"With this coat and this hat, I look just like Saint Turgon!"

.

"All I need is a reindeer..."

The Orc searched and he searched

But he could not find one wherever he marched.

Did that stop the old Orc...?

No! The Orc simply said,

"If I can't find a reindeer, I'll make one instead!"

So he called his slave, Ûrgaz. Then he took some red thread

And he tied a big horn on top of his head.

.

THEN

He loaded some sacks

And some old empty bags

On a broken-down sleigh

And he hitched up Ûrgaz.

.

The the Orc said, "Giddap!"

And he started, ready to pillage

Toward the talans where the Elves

Lay asleep in their village.

.

All the windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the chimney.

All the Elves were all dreaming of Erumas turkey.

When he came to the first little talan in the valley.

"This is stop number one," the old Orc chief crowed

And he climbed to the roof, empty bags to carry his load

.

Then he slid down the chimney, almost getting stuck

But, if Turgon could do it, then he could too, with a little luck

He got down okay, after a moment of panic or two.

Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue.

Where the little Elf stockings hung in a row.

"These stockings," he grinned, "are the _first_ things to go!"

.

Then he slithered and slunk, every package he sniffed,

Around the whole room, and he took every gift!

Longbows! And daggers! New books! Drums!

Flamberges! Diamonds! Lembas! And plums!

And he stuffed them in bags. Then the Orc, very simply

Stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimbley!

.

Then he slunk to the ice cellar. He took the Elves' feast!

He took the Elf-tomatoes! He took the Elf-beast!

He cleaned out that ice cellar as quick as a flash.

Why, that Orc even took their last can of Elf-hash!

.

Then he stuffed all the food up the chimney with glee.

"And NOW!" grinned the Orc, "I will steal the Erumas tree!"

.

And the Orc grabbed the tree, and he started to push

When he heard a small sound like a bird in a bush.

He turned around fast, and he saw a small Elf

Little Calë-Valdësohta*, who was as small as a shelf.

.

The Orc had been caught by this little Elf child

Who would not be easily beguiled.

She stared at the Orc and said, "Santy Turgon, why,

"_Why _are you taking our Erumas tree?" she said with a cry.

.

But, you know, that old Orc was so smart and so slick

He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!

"Why, my sweet little tot," the fake Santy Turgon grinned,

"There are a few broken lights that are cracked and dimmed.

"So I'm taking it home to my workshop, my dear.

"I'll fix it up _there_. Then I'll bring it back _here_"

.

And his fib fooled the child. Then he patted her head.

And he got her a drink and he sent her to bed.

And when Calë-Valdësohta went to bed with her drink.

HE went to the chimney and stuffed up the tree, quick as a wink!

.

Then the _last_ thing he took

Was their bright athelas wreath!

Then he went up the chimney himself, the old thief.

Leaving only a single sword's sheath.

.

And the one speck of food

That he left in the talan.

Was a crumb that was a lot less than a gallon.

.

Then

He did the _same_ thing

To the _other_ Elves' talans

.

Leaving crumbs

Much smaller

Much, much smaller than a gallon!

.

It was a little after dawn...

All the Elves still abed

All the Elves still a-snooze

When he packed up his sled,

Packed it up with their presents! The ribbons! The wrappings!

The string! The gems! The trimmings! The trappings!

.

Three thousand feet up! Up the side of Mt. Gundabad,

He rode with his load that was making him so mad!

Pooh-Pooh to the Elves!" He was orchisly humming.

"They're finding out now that no Erumas is coming!

"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!

"Their mouths will hang open a moment or two

"Then all the Elves down in Rivendell will all cry BOO-HOO!

.

"That's a noise," grinned the Orc,

"That I simply MUST hear!"

So he paused. And the Orc put his hand to his ear.

And he _did_ hear a sound rising over the hills.

It started in low. But it filled him with chills...

.

For, the sound wasn't _sad!_

Why, this sound sounded _merry!_

It _couldn't_ be so!

But it WAS merry! VERY!

.

He stared down at Rivendell!

The Orc blinked in shock!

Then he froze!

He started to gawk.

.

Every Elf down in Rivendell, the stout and the thin,

Was singing! With a smile covering their chin!

.

He HADN'T stopped Erumas from coming!

IT CAME!

Somehow or other, it came just the same!

.

And the Orc, with his Orc-feet freezing in the cold ice,

Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could today be so nice?

It came without ribbons It came without string!

It came without packages, boxes, or bling!"

And he puzzled for a while, till his small brain hurt.

Until he was so mad he ripped of his shirt!

Then he had an unusually decent thought

That went against what his elders had taught.

"Maybe Erumas," he thought "_doesn't_ come from a store.

"Maybe Erumas...perhaps...means a little bit more!"

.

And what happened _then_...?

Well... in Rivendell they say

That the Orc's small brain grew three sizes that day!

And the minute his brain didn't feel so narrow,

He whizzed with his sleigh, quick as a sparrow

And he brought back the gifts! And the food for the feast!

And he...

.

...HE HIMSELF...!

_The Orc carved the Elf-beast!_

* * *

**I hope you all enjoyed that. It's not the same without the pictures, I suppose. Have a happy holiday!**

**Jaxzan**

* * *

* Cindy-Lou is a shortened form of Lucinda Louisa (I think), which means Light Famous in War. Calë-Valdësohta is the Quenya translation of those words. Again, I will emphasize that this is all conjecture and none of it is for certain (for example "valdë sé ohta" is "famous in war", but I have no idea how that combines into one word. If any of you readers out there are Quenya Linguists, could you tell me how to do that?). I left out the "Who" (or Elf) in the name because it already has enough syllables.

TL,DR: I'm a nerd.


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